For Husbands

Men, hearing a diagnosis that your wife has breast cancer can send your senses reeling, too. I believe the most important thing you can do for your wife during breast cancer treatment is let her know that you're there for support.

It's definitely important to stay positive and to encourage her to get through the day. Let her know it's okay for her to be sick and in bed for a couple of days.

Do what you can to make things easier around the house. Look for little ways to encourage your
wife. One thing Brett did was keep a running countdown of how many days remained in my cycles of chemotherapy treatment. "Hang in there," he'd tell me, "only fourteen days left!" The fact that he cared enough to count—and the knowledge that an end was in sight—meant so much to me. When I had a "down day," he'd remind me that I'd already come through X number of days, and I was almost at the finish line. You can bet there was a lot of high-fiving at our house when that last day finally arrived!

Here are some tips to help you cope with your wife's diagnosis of breast cancer.

• Realize that even though you can't "fix things," you are not helpless. You have strength your spouse needs, and sometimes all she needs you to do is hold her hand.

•Your spouse needs to know it's okay for her to be sick, unadorned, and not at her best. Let her know your commitment to her is not based on her looks.

• Tell her she's strong and you will be with her for the duration. Don't assume she knows this—verbalize your commitment.

• At the time of diagnosis, be strong and tell her she can beat the cancer. Later you will have time to share your fears. When cancer first strikes, your spouse needs your strength.

• It's okay to cry.

• The Family and Medical Leave Act guarantees you the right to accompany your spouse to doctors' appointments. (An eligible employee is granted up to twelve workweeks of unpaid leave in a twelve-month period.) If at all possible, go with her.

• Be quiet and listen. Many doctors and therapists believe thisshould be the breast cancer spouse's motto.9

• Tell her she is beautiful and you love her.